It’s Not Your Fault

By Lorraine Faehndrich

Pelvic Pain is not your fault.

You’re not broken, defective, or in any other way to blame.

You’ve done nothing wrong.

Almost every woman I’ve talked with that has pelvic or sexual pain (or other issues like decreased desire or arousal), thinks it’s somehow her fault. I hear over and over again from my clients that they feel defective or broken, for one reason or another. They think they’re doing something wrong or that there’s something deeply and irreversibly wrong with them.

That’s how I felt when I was in pain.

It’s not surprising really that we feel this way.

As women we are living in a culture that makes us wrong at every turn. We are taught from a very young age that our experiences and our bodies are wrong.

From a medical system that has a total lack of understanding of female sexuality to a masculine based culture that subordinates, shames and rejects the feminine at every turn.

We are round pegs trying to fit ourselves into square holes – all day long every day.

Curvy, soft, beautiful, magical, feminine round pegs.

Angular, rigid, uncomfortable, suffocating , masculine square holes.

Our whole lives.


In order squish ourselves into this square hole, all day every day; we have to learn how to disown our authentic experience. If we were conscious of how that actually felt it would be completely intolerable. There’s no way we’d be able to do it.

So our brain helps us out by keeping all of those feelings – all of that discomfort – out of our conscious awareness. (Except when it leaks through as resentment, anxiety, depression, fatigue, chronic headaches, etc.)

We get pretty darn good at fitting into square holes.

Successful even!!!

Women with pelvic pain often have achieved success (according to society’s standards) in lots of ways in their lives and relationships. We may get straight As, and several degrees, do great work, meet and marry good men, have beautiful children, become amazing friends, or overall do (or at least try to do) everything right.

At least until we can’t. (more on this later)

The problem is that, even when you’re “succeeding” you’re still squishing yourself into that small square hole.

And most likely you have no clue that you’re doing it!

In fact, you may come to think that you are supposed to be a square peg. After all, you have no model in your experience of what a successful round peg would look or feel like.

So you just don’t know that all day every day you are……..

• Trying to fit your sexual experiences into what a masculine culture (including media, religion, and the medical system) tells you they should be.
• Trying to exercise and diet your perfectly gorgeous body into a model of perfection and beauty created by men and photo shop.
• Trying to meet impossible cultural standards that don’t work for you around partnership, family, parenting, and work.
• Putting everyone and everything in your life ahead of you and your needs – your children, your work, your partner, your pets, your family, your friends, your community, the laundry, the dishes, the food shopping.
• Trying not to be too emotional (because that would make you crazy, weak or a bitch – or a crazy, weak, bitch!).
• And trying desperately to be good and do all of this perfectly –the way everyone else says you should.

Double Ouch.

It’s very likely that you aren’t aware of the extent of this problem or how it effects you, because in large part you’ve learned how to dissociate from yourself, from your body, from your emotions and your truth so that you can meet all of these expectations (round peg…..square hole).

But now your pelvis is letting you know that it’s not working.

Whether it’s your vulva, your vagina, your bladder, your colon, or your pudendal nerve, your pain is stopping you dead in your tracks.

It’s basically saying, “Um. Excuse me. This IS NOT WORKING!”

Actually, it’s way past “excuse me”. “Excuse me” was back with the minor aches and pains, the mild fatigue and anxiousness.

Now your body is at the point where it’s only option really to get your attention, is to shut the whole thing down. Stop you dead in your tracks and get you to pay attention.

No more pushing yourself past your authentic experience and through stuff that isn’t working for you. No more ignoring your truth. No more suppressing your desires and emotions. No more pretending you’re a square peg that should fit perfectly into a square hole.

You are not.

Even if according to external appearances and standards you have successfully squashed yourself into that square hole.

Your body is letting you know that it’s time for a change.

It’s time to let yourself be that curvy, gorgeous round peg……or whatever particular shape your peg is meant to be.

Because of the lack of role models in this department, the only way you’re going to discover your authentic truth is through your body. So, you’re going to have to come back into your body, learn it’s language, and allow it to lead.

Your pain is actually helping you do that – even if you can’t see it right now.

If you don’t have a clue what I’m talking about, or this sounds overwhelming, don’t worry!

I remember being so in my head, so intellectual, and so disconnected from my body and feminine energy that I couldn’t even wrap my head around the concept of my truth. How I thought could anyone could sort out any kind of truth or intuition from the swirling, raging, spin cycle of thoughts in their mind.

So, if I can do it you can do it.

You can learn how to measure what’s right for you by how it FEELS to you. You can learn how to discover and honor your truth – about your sexuality, your health, your self-care, your work, your family, and everything else in your life.

And when you do the sense of freedom you will have will be INDESCRIBABLE.

You will have extracted yourself from that square hole.

As you come back into your soft, curvy, feminine form, magic will begin to flow through you and into your life. Things will start to work out. Your body will heal. The anxiety, depression, fatigue, and pain will go away.

And it will all be because your pain led (or perhaps rather forced) you there.

Believe it or not, there may very well come a day when you will be twirling in the sun, arms wide open, giggling for joy grateful for what your pain has taught you…..and helped you do.

It’s leading you to FREEDOM.

I know now that pelvic pain was not my fault. I am not and never was defective. I had not done one thing wrong. I wasn’t in any way to blame, and neither are you!

Your body is leading you to something more, something better. It’s letting you know that you have a whole lot more potential than you have ever been taught to believe. It’s letting you know that you’re squished into that square hole and that there is a much, much better option!

Your symptoms don’t actually mean that something is wrong, they very likely mean that something is right.

You’re body is responding exactly the way it’s meant to respond. It’s not broken or defective – it may be the only honest thing in your life!

It’s trying to show you your truth, your individual feminine truth. It’s reconnecting you to your energy, your sensuality, your power, your creativity, your joy, and your magic, magic that is desperately needed on the planet right now.

I believe this with every fiber of my being because I see it every day with the women in my groups and private programs.

I see women who are in all consuming pain, learn how to reconnect to their body, allow their emotions, discover their truth, learn how to honor themselves – and relieve their pain.

And in the process they learn that something is very very right about them.

I asked some of my current and former students and clients for their thoughts on this last week and was overjoyed by their positive responses! Here’s one I wanted to share with you …..

“I don’t think I could ever fully describe how I feel or what all I have learned that has gotten me to this most awesome place in my life. All I can say in response to your post is, yes, yes, yes! I had always felt since I was little that I was meant for great things, and now that I have done some of the work and have learned so much, I can now see that anything is possible, and I’m so excited to find out what that is. If you would have said this to us in the beginning of the first class, I would have been like, yeah right, and you probably would have lost me. However, when I think back on everything I learned and accomplished over the past few months, I am in awe, and I feel truly blessed for this journey. Don’t get me wrong, there are still plenty of days where I struggle with the tools and with pain, but I now view each experience as a blessing and not as a curse!

When I look back I feel like up until the pelvic pain started that I was asleep, and now I feel like I’m coming alive into this awesome new person. Thank you for that!”

What if your pain is here to help you come fully alive?

Maybe there is a part of you that knows that none of this is or ever was your fault, that you haven’t done one thing wrong, that there isn’t actually anything wrong with you…..and there never was.

You’re not broken, far from it.

I invite you to tune into that part of you.  My hunch is she’s in there, and she’s oh so ready to say YES! YES! YES! and help you find your way back to you.


Ready to Learn More?

Join Me on January 16th for my popular FREE Online Class: Say Goodbye to Pelvic Pain! 

I’ll be covering the Top 3 Keys to Relieving Female Pelvic Pain and will answer all your questions.

Sign up to reserve your FREE seat in the class, and receive the recording here!


Get On the Path to Lasting Relief from Pelvic Pain with my FREE "7 Reasons You're Still in Pain" e-book.

Get On the Path to Lasting Relief with My 7 Reasons You're Still in Pain ebook

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